Be more chill - Be more chill (pt. 1)

[THE SQUIP]
Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a masturbator
Fix your posture, then the rest

[JEREMY]
But I am a masturbator

[THE SQUIP]
We'll fix that

All your nerdiness is ugly

[JEREMY]
Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek, but...

[THE SQUIP]
All your stammering's a chore

[JEREMY, spoken]
Uh, sh- er, what?

[THE SQUIP]
Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more

[JEREMY]
Bu--

[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
I--

[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
Sh--

[THE SQUIP]
No

[JEREMY]
Wait--

[THE SQUIP]
Stop

Oh, everything about you is so terrible
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[JEREMY, spoken]
Jesus Christ...

[THE SQUIP]
So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You will
Be more chill

First thing's first, go buy a new shirt

[JEREMY, spoken]
What?! What's wrong with my shirt--

[THE SQUIP]
Shh, it's better if you just comply
My job's to color your aesthetic
And make you seem much less pathetic
Just step and fetch, don't ask me why

[JEREMY, spoken]
How are you with math homework?

[THE SQUIP]
I'm a super-computer, Jeremy. I'm made of math

Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
All the people in the mall
Think you are such a slob

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Oh, boy

[THE SQUIP]
Can I see why!

Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt

[CHLOE]
...Jerry?

[JEREMY]
Erm, Jeremy

[CHLOE]
You shop here?

[JEREMY]
Oh, yeah all the time--

[THE SQUIP]
Never

[JEREMY]
Never. Is what I meant to...

[THE SQUIP]
Greet the beta

[JEREMY]
Oh. Hey, Brooke

[THE SQUIP]
"You look sexy."

[JEREMY]
I can't say that to a hot girl!

[THE SQUIP]
Don't smile. Stare intensely.
Speak like you don't care about your own death

[JEREMY]
Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke

[BROOKE]
Thanks

[CHLOE]
Is that a girl's shirt?

[JEREMY]
No

[THE SQUIP]
"Yes."

[JEREMY]
Yes

[THE SQUIP]
Repeat after me:
I saw it in the window

[JEREMY]
I saw it in the window

[THE SQUIP]
And I couldn't dismiss

[JEREMY]
And I couldn't dismiss

[THE SQUIP]
I was dating a girl and

[JEREMY]
I was dating a girl and

[THE SQUIP]
She had a shirt just like this

[JEREMY]
She had a shirt just like this

[THE SQUIP]
It's still painful

[JEREMY]
It's still painful

[CHLOE, spoken]
So, who was this mystery girl?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, you've probably never heard of her, so--

[THE SQUIP]
Madeline

[JEREMY]
Madeline

[CHLOE]
What?

[JEREMY]
She's French

[CHLOE]
Ugh! She is NOT French!
She just pretends to be for attention!

[BROOKE]
Madeline broke up with you?

[JEREMY]
Yeah...

[THE SQUIP]
No

[JEREMY]
I mean--

[THE SQUIP]
I broke up with her

[JEREMY]
I broke up with her

[THE SQUIP]
'Cause she was cheating on me

[JEREMY]
'Cause she was cheating on me

[THE SQUIP]
Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill